In-laws and Married Couples

Handling in-laws

Here are some questions that if you have answers to can help you deal with in-laws in a marriage.

What are your expectations?
Often, it is not easy to see what your expectations really are. Clearing your mind and seeing if you’ve built unrealistic expectations is a crucial first step toward bridging your family relationships. Stop fantasizing that your spouse’s family is going to change and be anything more than they are. Take a real look at the people in your wedding album, and let go of how you think things are “supposed” to go.

Do you have a set of boundaries and limits?
Talk to your husband about what your “family values” are going to be. Do you like company stopping by unannounced? Whatever you and your husband feel is the limit, should be applied to all guests (including the in-laws).

Are you empowering your in-laws too much?

The female partner empowering her parents too much

Many in-laws give unsolicited advice about child rearing or home maintenance or job hunting strategies or retirement plans. What you have to remember under these circumstances, is that this is just one person’s opinion. Agree to disagree and move on without feeling berated or tortured. You don’t need to change their opinion or internalize their judgments.


How do you handle conflict?
In any family, conflict will often arise at some point. Maybe planning the wedding was stressful enough for the first fights to occur, or maybe you actually made it past the honeymoon phase. Either way, it’s important to deal with disagreements right away and not let them fester over the years, leading to an inevitable explosion. Address problems as soon as possible, and ask for an apology for slights that occur. Don’t hold grudges, and don’t take things personally. Also, communicate directly with your mother-in-law and father-in-law, if you have an issue. Don’t ask your husband or wife to do the talking for you. This is the mature things to do.

Are you thinking of the future?
We meet people in life to learn lessons from, and none more than our family members. They are part of your family tree now, and those roots go down deep, and the branches extend wide. Once we have children, those in-laws become grandparents, with relationships that eclipse our own possibly strained relationships. No matter how dark the hour, remember that they raised the person you fell in love with, so they obviously did something right.

Rebuilding Broken Trust in a Marriage

Get back that trust.

Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work. It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy. When trust goes, what goes with it are safety, security, respect, love and friendship, replaced by anger, insecurity, anxiety and fear.
Trust can be lost through lies, rage, violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and, most prominently, sexual infidelity.
Once trust has been lost, what can we do to get it back - if anything?


Coming clean does work.
Denial only leads to more distrust, so the truth has to come out along with the willingness to take responsibility for your actions. However, detailed truth can sometimes make the hurt even worse and compound the pain, and therefore the healing process.

Being defensive, righteous or casual about the problem never works.
There must be a sincere effort to work out the issues, or the wall will never come down. The angrier you are, the less you are able to hear what the aggrieved one has to say, and the worse what they feel will get.

Talk about what made you do it.
Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions.If there is loneliness in the marriage, take the initiative to make an appointment with a counselor. Talking about your feelings of alienation is the best way to connect again.

Be an open book.

she is doing the contrary

That means open your cell phone, email, and appointment book for a period of time. This is usually the hardest part, because any person who has lived that underground life of secrecy likes it that way.They feel entitled to privacy, and they become righteous and indignant. At this point, you will need to take a moment and ask yourself what is really important: your relationship or your privacy?


Renew your vows.
Whether married or not, there is a need to discuss values about living life and what that entails. This may be the most important part of the process. Take time to talk about what you want, what got you into this mess, and what needs to happen moving forward. Write it all down and make a ceremony out of it. Invite your friends and family. Tell the world what you are going to do and mean it.

Renewing trust is not just a decision—it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about coming home to yourself and your mate, and making it work. Keeping a relationship clear and open is a valuable process. When we lie, cheat, steal and do bad things to ourselves or others, we pay the ultimate price, and we lose what is most precious to us. If you need help, get it. If you need a change, then make it. Creating trust is a big deal, so treat it that way.

Cheating Spouses

Reasons for Cheating in Marriage

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in their primary relationship.

This is a very common reason amount spouses. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.

2. The Desire for additional sexual encounters
Most individuals have this kind of desires but find it very hard to admit as it appears socially undesirable.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.
 Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Those who experience the need for emotional closeness in an affair, feel that at some point they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.
Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward
each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that
both have in their relationship.

5. Falling out of love with your partner.
In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.

6. Falling in love with someone new.

Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor
that leads partners to stray.

7. Your wanting to seek revenge.
In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy.

8. Curiosity and wanting new experiences.
People who cite this reason often feel that they want something new, this motivation goes beyond curiosity and into some type of contestto measure their sexual prowess.
Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for
connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship.

The Roles of Men in Marriage

WHAT IS EXPECTED OF MEN IN MARRIAGE?

1. Be a leader
 The Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage.
  "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:3)."
"Head" does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth before Him.

2. Love your wife unconditionally
 Ephesians 5:25 reads, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God's gift to you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally, always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and love her. There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need to do both.

3. Serve your wife
According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant.
Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17). One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife's top three needs are right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures.

Money and Relationships

HOW SPOUSES CAN GO ABOUT HANDLING THEIR MONEY ISSUES.

 You can't have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money.
Let's face it – if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote!

When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don't save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems.

Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear when there are money problems. Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points.

On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. Chances are, if you're married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn't good at working numbers (the free spirit). The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether.
Marriage is a partnership. Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the money and splitting the bills is a bad idea.

As you work on your money together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.

What Should Be the Wife's "Role" in Marriage?

WIFE'S EXPECTATION IN MARRIAGE

Perhaps more than at any other time in history, women today need a clear understanding of how they should relate to their husbands.
It's important for us to look clearly at what the Bible says on this subject. And while the Bible doesn't apply our modern word "role" to marriage, the Scriptures are clear about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife.

The confusion in today’s culture about “roles” in marriage compels us to understand what the Bible says about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife.


1. Be a helper to your husband.  While all of us are called to be helpers to others, the Bible places a special emphasis on this responsibility for wives. Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn't good for man to be alone, and that He decided to make a "helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us. The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that we women have been given tremendous power for good in our husbands' lives. God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.

2. Respect your husband. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, " … the wife must respect her husband." When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him. It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values.

Our husbands have many needs. The macho man who is self-contained, independent, and invulnerable is a myth. One day Dennis gave me a list of what he considered to be some of the primary needs most men have:

3. Love your husband. Titus 2:4 calls for wives "to love their husbands." A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is "unconditional acceptance." In other words, accept your husband just as he is—an imperfect person.

Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. I realize there is a whole lot more to love than sex, but we are looking at how to fulfill God's command to love our husbands. Therefore, we must look at love from their perspective, not just our own.

Surveys show that sex is one of a man's most important needs—if not the most important. When a wife resists intimacy, is uninterested, or is only passively interested, her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self-image, tear at him to the very center of his being, and create isolation.

My husband's sexual needs should be more important and higher on my priority list than menus, housework, projects, activities, and even the children. It does not mean that I should think about sex all day and every day, but it does mean that I find ways to remember my husband and his needs. It means I save some of my energy for him. It keeps me from being selfish and living only for my own needs and wants. Maintaining that focus helps me defeat isolation in our marriage.

4. "Submit" to the leadership of your husband. Just mention the word "submission," and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. This controversial concept has been highly debated and misunderstood.

Some husbands and wives actually believe submission indicates that women are inferior to men in some way. I have known women who think that if they submit they will lose their identity and become "non-persons." Others fear (some with good reason) that submission leads to being used or abused.

Another misconception is that submission means blind obedience on the part of the woman. She can give no input to her husband, question nothing, and only stay obediently barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

What does God have in mind? Here are two passages from Scripture:

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them (Colossians 3:18-19).

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

Marriage and Career

Tips For Enjoying a Successful Career, Marriage and Family Life

1. Set Your Family and Business Goals
The first step to achieving anything important is to begin by identifying your goals. If you have not already done so, pull out a pad of paper and write down your career, marriage and family goals.

2. Get The Support From Your Spouse
The only way you are going to achieve these goals is with the support of your spouse. Just as it would be unwise to think you can build a successful business without the support of your business partner, you won’t build a successful marriage, family life and career without the support of your spouse.

 3. Create Blocks of Time For Work and Family
Delineate blocks of time to spend time with each of the children and together as a family. This one tip has made a HUGE difference in many families.

4. Review Schedule with Family
After you and your spouse have negotiated the blocks of time you will allocate for your career, spend together and be with your children, then review the schedule with your children and get their buy-in. After you have discussed the schedule, establish the boundaries.


5. Make Sure Your Work Time is Respected
During the blocks of time you have allocated to work, you are not to be interrupted unless there is an important reason. Of course, there will be exceptions when either your spouse or kids need to talk to you about something, but you must make those times the exceptions and not the norm.

6. Don’t Conduct Business During Family Time
This means not doing ANYTHING work related during family time. Respect and value your family time.

7. Make Your Family Time, Family Time For Everyone
No texts, no emails, no phone calls! This applies to you and your family members. Make your family time a sacred time that is valued by everyone.

8. Be Present
When you are with your family, try to stop thinking about everything going on in your life and focus on your family. Resist the temptation to talk about your work and instead concentrate on topics of interest to your family. Use your time together to ask questions and discuss what is going on in their lives.


9. Dates with Kids
If you have children, often block out times to spend with them on an individual basis. There is no better way to connect with someone than one-to-one. Whether it’s a bike ride, a one night camping trip, playing dolls, a cup of tea or whatever it is they enjoy doing, block out time each week to spend with each of your children.


10. Weekly Date With Spouse
This is the number one marriage tip I give to newlyweds.

Decision Making

THIS OR THAT?

 Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.

 It is vital to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the couple consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Be very aware if you have developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to help one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Good Parenting

HOW TO BECOME A GOOD PARENT TO YOUR CHILDREN

Kids don’t come with a parenting manual and there’s no course that teaches the necessary skills to become a parent. And parenting requires a multitude of skills. No parent is proficient with all parenting skills all the time. Instead, it is a work in progress.

Depending on your child’s age and behavior, there will likely be times that some skills are easier to use than others. Sharpening those skills over time takes practice. Parenting books, classes and support groups can be excellent resources to help parents sharpen their skills.No matter which of the five main types of discipline a parent uses, there are certain skills that are essential in promoting effective discipline.

1.  Recognize Safety Issues

The most effective parents seem to be able to sniff out danger a mile away. They are well versed in internet safety, the latest safety equipment and they recognize a child predator when they see one. They find a balance between overprotecting a child and throwing the child to the wolves. They allow for natural consequences only when it is safe to do so and teach children skills to make healthy decisions.

2.  Provide a Positive Example

Parents who say, “Do as I say, not as I do,” often find this isn’t very effective. Parents who yell when they’re angry tend to raise children who yell out of anger. However, parents who model how to handle anger by taking a break, tend to have children who do the same. Modeling appropriate behaviors is an essential parenting skill. Kids are watching all the time and they’ll learn far more from what they see than what they hear.

3.  Set Appropriate Limits

It’s essential that parents can set appropriate limits for kids, even when a child protests. Effective parents can tolerate their child being angry with them and they don’t try to be their child’s friend. Instead, they focus on what is in the best interest of the child. Setting appropriate limits means the child has clear rules and the parent uses developmentally appropriate discipline strategies.

4.  Enforce Consequences Consistently

Effective parents don’t just threaten consequences, they follow through with them. Consistency in consequences in a vital skill for parents. If a child only receives negative consequence for his behavior half the time, the behavior isn’t likely to stop. It’s essential that kids know the consequences and that they know they can’t count on the consequences being consistent.

5.  Choose Battles Wisely

Effective discipline requires that parents are able to recognize whether a battle is worth the fight. Sometimes behaviors just aren’t worth addressing if they are likely to lead to a power struggle. For example, if a six-year-old wants to wear her rain galoshes on a sunny day, allowing her to do so might make more sense than trying to convince her why her sneakers are a better choice if it will likely lead to a major meltdown.

6.  Manage Stress Effectively

Parents who manage their stress effectively have much more success when disciplining a child. Stressed out parents are more likely to yell or be inconsistent with discipline. They are also more likely to use punishment rather than discipline. And when a parent is stressed out, it can lead to more behavioral problems from a child, which leads to more stress on the parent. Healthy stress management includes self-care and having support from friends and family.

7.  Provide Positive Attention

Finding time to give kids daily positive attention can make a big difference in the child’s life. It makes all other discipline strategies much more effective. Finding time and energy to devote individual attention to each child can be difficult sometimes, especially for single parents or parents with multiple children.

8.  Establish Clear Expectations

When kids don’t understand what is expected of them, it can be impossible for them to meet a parent’s expectations. The most effective parents are able to clearly tell kids what the expectations are in a way that a child can understand. An effective parent just doesn’t tell her ten-year-old to clean his room. Instead, she describes what a clean room looks like by saying, “Pick your clothes up off the floor, make your bed and vacuum the rug.”