In many cultures, childless wKenya is one of the countries in the "African infertility belt" that stretches across central Africa from the United Republic of Tanzania to the East to Gabon to the West. In this region, a phenomenon described as "barrenness amid plenty" refers to the fact that infertility is often most prevalent where fertility rates are also high.Women suffer discrimination, stigma and ostracism.
The stigmatisation can be extreme in some countries, where infertile people are viewed as a burden on the socio-economic well-being of a community. Stigma extends to the wider family, including siblings, parents and in-laws, who are deeply disappointed for the loss of continuity of their family and contribution to their community. This amplifies the guilt and shame felt by the infertile individual. The cultural misconceptions and the emotional burden, especially for women, is often unbearable.
How to support your partner through your infertility journey.
1) Ask what you can do to help. Both men and women sometimes have no idea what their partner needs or wants from them. Ask. On the flip side, when telling your partner what you need, be specific. Don’t just say, “Be more supportive.” Explain exactly what being supportive means to you.
(2) Get outside help. There are counsellors out there, like myself, specifically trained to assist people dealing with infertility.
(3) Connect with others. Sometimes couples can feel incredibly isolated when they are struggling to conceive, especially if none of their family or friends have dealt with infertility. There are both in-person and online support groups designed to allow people facing infertility to connect with others going through the same thing.
(4) Practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that what you are going through, as a couple, is very difficult. Be kind to yourself and to each other. Be patient and forgiving with yourself and your partner as you move through this journey. Even if you do not share your partner’s feelings about infertility, you can still stay close and connected. And that, in the end, will help you get through it more than anything.
mr price
Tuesday 19 April 2016
wives leaving jobs to be housewives
Housewives
A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing her family's home—caring for and educating her children; buying, preparing and storing food for the family; buying goods the family needs in everyday life, cleaning and maintaining the home, making clothes for the family, etc.—and who is generally not employed outside the home.
Men make far fewer compromises than women to balance professional success and personal fulfillment," which mostly force women to leave their upgrading studies and jobs to remain at home because of the kids.
A housewife may feel happy at times that she can stay at home when her husband goes to work, but the truth is that there are many disadvantages of a housewife when compared to a working woman. The working woman may not go out to work, but she still usually is the person who does all the household chores and she also has to get the kids ready for school.
In fact, there are many women who are housewives and seem to be working all the day and finally, they do not get any money for all the work that they do. A working woman on the other hand does all the work, but is also able to get a salary that will help to overcome all the problems that the person has faced while working.
Some of the many disadvantages of a housewife over a working woman are as follows.
1. Lack of money:
The working woman is able to earn money on her own and so she is able to lead an independent lifestyle. On the other hand, a woman who is a housewife will not have money to spend and she has to be dependent on the money that is given to her by her husband for all her needs. This is one of the major disadvantages of a housewife.
2. Lack of recognition:
Though a housewife may be working all the time for the family by cooking, teaching the kids, cleaning the house and doing a lot of other chores in and around the house, she rarely has any recognition and is thought to be a person who is living off the income of the husband. This is a very common thought for the male who is the breadwinner of the family. He feels that only he is working and the housewife is not doing any work that is meaningful.
3. Lack of supplementary income:
These days, when the cost of living is high and the family, especially the children has a lot off needs in terms of education and other curricular and extracurricular activities, the parents need to earn as much as possible for the kids to be able to do well in education. When only one person in the family is earning, then the needs of the family is higher.
4. Frog in the well:
The housewife is caught in the daily routine and she is never able to relax or unwind. She also becomes the proverbial frog in the well and is not able to have an exposure to the outside world. She becomes more vulnerable because of this.
5. Risk:
If there is a risk to the breadwinner of the family, then the whole source of income is gone as the family was dependent on the income of one person. To make sure that this is not the case, a woman has to work. This is another disadvantage that a housewife faces when compared to the working woman.
These are some of the major disadvantages of the housewife, when compared to the working woman. In spite of this, the debate goes on and on because there are a few advantages of staying at home too. In this situation, there are a new breed of mothers who stay at home and then earn from the home.
A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing her family's home—caring for and educating her children; buying, preparing and storing food for the family; buying goods the family needs in everyday life, cleaning and maintaining the home, making clothes for the family, etc.—and who is generally not employed outside the home.
Men make far fewer compromises than women to balance professional success and personal fulfillment," which mostly force women to leave their upgrading studies and jobs to remain at home because of the kids.
A housewife may feel happy at times that she can stay at home when her husband goes to work, but the truth is that there are many disadvantages of a housewife when compared to a working woman. The working woman may not go out to work, but she still usually is the person who does all the household chores and she also has to get the kids ready for school.
In fact, there are many women who are housewives and seem to be working all the day and finally, they do not get any money for all the work that they do. A working woman on the other hand does all the work, but is also able to get a salary that will help to overcome all the problems that the person has faced while working.
Some of the many disadvantages of a housewife over a working woman are as follows.
1. Lack of money:
The working woman is able to earn money on her own and so she is able to lead an independent lifestyle. On the other hand, a woman who is a housewife will not have money to spend and she has to be dependent on the money that is given to her by her husband for all her needs. This is one of the major disadvantages of a housewife.
2. Lack of recognition:
Though a housewife may be working all the time for the family by cooking, teaching the kids, cleaning the house and doing a lot of other chores in and around the house, she rarely has any recognition and is thought to be a person who is living off the income of the husband. This is a very common thought for the male who is the breadwinner of the family. He feels that only he is working and the housewife is not doing any work that is meaningful.
3. Lack of supplementary income:
These days, when the cost of living is high and the family, especially the children has a lot off needs in terms of education and other curricular and extracurricular activities, the parents need to earn as much as possible for the kids to be able to do well in education. When only one person in the family is earning, then the needs of the family is higher.
4. Frog in the well:
The housewife is caught in the daily routine and she is never able to relax or unwind. She also becomes the proverbial frog in the well and is not able to have an exposure to the outside world. She becomes more vulnerable because of this.
5. Risk:
If there is a risk to the breadwinner of the family, then the whole source of income is gone as the family was dependent on the income of one person. To make sure that this is not the case, a woman has to work. This is another disadvantage that a housewife faces when compared to the working woman.
These are some of the major disadvantages of the housewife, when compared to the working woman. In spite of this, the debate goes on and on because there are a few advantages of staying at home too. In this situation, there are a new breed of mothers who stay at home and then earn from the home.
Why people re-marry
Remarriage is a marriage that takes place after a previous marital union has ended, as through divorce or widowhood. Some individuals are more likely to remarry than others; the likelihood can differ based on previous relationship status (e.g. divorced vs. widowed), level of interest in establishing a new romantic relationship, gender, race, and age among other factors. Those who choose not to remarry may prefer alternative arrangements like cohabitation or Living Apart Together. Remarriage also provides mental and physical health benefits. However, although remarried individuals tend to have better health than individuals who do not repatner, they still generally have worse health than individuals who have remained continuously married.
Remarriage can be as a source of:
Remarriage following divorce or separation
Remarriage following widowhood
When you mention the word “remarriage” to a newly divorced friend and you’re likely to get laughed at, cursed at, or some combination of the two.
With stats suggesting second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions, it’s easy to see why the divorced among us might be a little hesitant to say “I do” once more.
But instead of dwelling on the hurdles facing those marrying again (and really, what marriage doesn’t have its problems?), what if we focused on the ways spouses could work to create stronger marriages the second time around?
After all, an unsuccessful first marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re fated to divorce .
Remarriage is a marriage that takes place after a previous marital union has ended, as through divorce or widowhood. Some individuals are more likely to remarry than others; the likelihood can differ based on previous relationship status (e.g. divorced vs. widowed), level of interest in establishing a new romantic relationship, gender, race, and age among other factors. Those who choose not to remarry may prefer alternative arrangements like cohabitation or Living Apart Together. Remarriage also provides mental and physical health benefits. However, although remarried individuals tend to have better health than individuals who do not repatner, they still generally have worse health than individuals who have remained continuously married.
Remarriage can be as a source of:
Remarriage following divorce or separation
 |
| The man is free to re-marry |
Remarriage following widowhood
When you mention the word “remarriage” to a newly divorced friend and you’re likely to get laughed at, cursed at, or some combination of the two.
With stats suggesting second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions, it’s easy to see why the divorced among us might be a little hesitant to say “I do” once more.
But instead of dwelling on the hurdles facing those marrying again (and really, what marriage doesn’t have its problems?), what if we focused on the ways spouses could work to create stronger marriages the second time around?
After all, an unsuccessful first marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re fated to divorce .
wife inheritance
Widow inheritance (also known as bride inheritance) is a cultural and social practice whereby a widow is required to marry a male relative of her late husband, often his brother. Examples of widow inheritance can be found in ancient and biblical times in the form of levirate marriage
The practice was meant as a means for the widow to have someone to support her and her children financially, and to keep her late husband's wealth within the family bloodline. At the time it was initiated, women were responsible for the house chores and men were the providers, therefore if the woman lost her husband, she would have no one to provide for the remaining family. Because her in-laws would not want someone outside of the family's blood line to inherit her late husband's estate, she was required to marry within the family.An example is in the luo culture:
Luo Wife Inheritance is a custom practiced by the Luo people of western Kenya. In this practice, "if a man dies, one of his brothers or close relatives inherits his widow and must meet all of her marital requirements."
The practice was meant as a means for the widow to have someone to support her and her children financially, and to keep her late husband's wealth within the family bloodline. At the time it was initiated, women were responsible for the house chores and men were the providers, therefore if the woman lost her husband, she would have no one to provide for the remaining family. Because her in-laws would not want someone outside of the family's blood line to inherit her late husband's estate, she was required to marry within the family.An example is in the luo culture:
Luo Wife Inheritance is a custom practiced by the Luo people of western Kenya. In this practice, "if a man dies, one of his brothers or close relatives inherits his widow and must meet all of her marital requirements."
Monday 18 April 2016
Mixed Status Relationship
Dealing with a mixed status relationship.
A mixed status relationship is a sexual relationship in which one partner is HIV positive and the other is HIV negative.They are also called Serodiscordant.
If you are living with HIV you may be wondering whether you can ever date or get married,the answer is YES!
How to keep yourself and your partner healthy
You can still keep yourself and your partner healthy and here are some steps you can take to reduce the risking of trasmitting HIV from you to him or her.
a. Use of antiretrovital therapy (ART).It reduces the amount of virus on your blood and body fluids.
b. Use condoms correctly and consistenly.Condoms are highly effective in preventing HIV/AIDS.
c. Choose less risky sexual behaviours like oral sex is much less risky than anal sex or vaginal sex.
d. Talk to your partner about pre-exposure prophylaxis(PrEP).(PrEP) is a way for people who dont have HIV to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day.
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Why No to Marriage
"You probably shouldn't get married if..."
1. “You are unwilling to put the needs of another person above your own. Romans 12:10 says, ‘Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.’ In the Greek, ‘devoted’ is defined in this verse as reciprocal tenderness, while ‘honor’ is identified as showing deference to another person. How often are these characteristics apparent in how you behave toward your fiancé or spouse?
2. “You are easily offended, carry grudges and are unwilling to forgive. An overly sensitive, vengeful or calloused attitude has no place in any relationship, especially a marriage. The Bible gives you the challenging yet correct standard: ‘Forgive as the Lord forgave you’ (Colossians 3:13).
3. “You are an abusive person (mentally, emotionally, physically). Author and domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft finds that abusers —who, by the way, are primarily men but also include women —abuse for a variety of reasons, including a need for power and control, finding someone to blame for their problems, and wanting to be the center of attention. Do you see yourself anywhere in these attributes?
4. “You do not share the same beliefs, values, life priorities or vision. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is essential in marriage, and its foundation is built on these characteristics.
5. “You have an unresolved addiction problem. ‘Like a city whose walls are broken down,’ Proverbs 25:28 says, ‘is a man who lacks self-control.
6. “Your career is the most important thing in your life. Philippians 2:3 says, ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.’ Selfish ambition is interpreted in the Greek as ‘a desire to put one’s self forward, a partisan and fractious spirit,’ while vain conceit is identified as ‘groundless, empty pride.’ Examine how your profession shapes who you are. Does it bring out these traits in you?
7. “You are unwilling to be an active sexual partner with your spouse. As a couple, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. The Bible speaks directly to this vital issue; verse 3 is clear: ‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.’ There’s no room in a healthy marriage for sexual games, and an active sexual relationship works to ward off temptation to sin.
“Don’t be discouraged if you struggle with any of the above reasons. A quality marriage is not defined as one that’s perfect. But do yourself, and your future or current spouse, a favor by committing to change or grow stronger individually in each area. You won’t regret it, and will be able to face and overcome the “troubles” of marriage with unity and in God’s power.”
1. “You are unwilling to put the needs of another person above your own. Romans 12:10 says, ‘Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.’ In the Greek, ‘devoted’ is defined in this verse as reciprocal tenderness, while ‘honor’ is identified as showing deference to another person. How often are these characteristics apparent in how you behave toward your fiancé or spouse?
2. “You are easily offended, carry grudges and are unwilling to forgive. An overly sensitive, vengeful or calloused attitude has no place in any relationship, especially a marriage. The Bible gives you the challenging yet correct standard: ‘Forgive as the Lord forgave you’ (Colossians 3:13).
3. “You are an abusive person (mentally, emotionally, physically). Author and domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft finds that abusers —who, by the way, are primarily men but also include women —abuse for a variety of reasons, including a need for power and control, finding someone to blame for their problems, and wanting to be the center of attention. Do you see yourself anywhere in these attributes?4. “You do not share the same beliefs, values, life priorities or vision. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is essential in marriage, and its foundation is built on these characteristics.
5. “You have an unresolved addiction problem. ‘Like a city whose walls are broken down,’ Proverbs 25:28 says, ‘is a man who lacks self-control.
6. “Your career is the most important thing in your life. Philippians 2:3 says, ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.’ Selfish ambition is interpreted in the Greek as ‘a desire to put one’s self forward, a partisan and fractious spirit,’ while vain conceit is identified as ‘groundless, empty pride.’ Examine how your profession shapes who you are. Does it bring out these traits in you?
7. “You are unwilling to be an active sexual partner with your spouse. As a couple, read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. The Bible speaks directly to this vital issue; verse 3 is clear: ‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.’ There’s no room in a healthy marriage for sexual games, and an active sexual relationship works to ward off temptation to sin.
“Don’t be discouraged if you struggle with any of the above reasons. A quality marriage is not defined as one that’s perfect. But do yourself, and your future or current spouse, a favor by committing to change or grow stronger individually in each area. You won’t regret it, and will be able to face and overcome the “troubles” of marriage with unity and in God’s power.”
Absentee Fathers
When dad isn't there.
There has been increasing interest by governments and social commentators in the effects of the absent father on the development of those within the remaining family unit.
As a result thousands of studies have since been conducted. These studies have repeatedly uncovered a staggering array of issues inflicted particularly on the children of father absent households.
Interestingly it has been shown that the affects of emotionally unavailable fathers were almost identical to those where the father was physically absent.
The affects covered everything from physical differences (i.e. the quickened development into and through puberty of children raised with no father present) through to many and varied social and physiological issues.
The summary of issues listed below, in no way covers every aspect of father absence however it is still a powerful indictment to the current social epidemic.
In reference to the general population individuals raised in a father absent environment demonstrate;
1. 5 times the average suicide rate:
2. Dramatically increased rates of depression and anxiety:
3. 32 times the average rate of incarceration:
4. Decreased education levels and increased drop-out rates:
5. Consistently lower average income levels:
6. Lower job security:
7. Increased rates of divorce and relationship issues:
8. Substantially increased rates of substance abuse: and
9. Increases in social and mental behavioural issues:
Whilst the list above outlines the devastating foundation that father absence sets it does not begin to address the subtle aspect of father absence.
How do you measure a sense of abandonment and betrayal, how do you measure the feeling of not fitting in and of being different.
Father absence in many ways steals our birthright; it takes from us our inherent and natural internal structures. These are the frameworks that we rely on every day in every aspect of our lives, whether it be in our relationships, our level of happiness, our health, our behaviour, our prosperity or level of success.
If these inherent frameworks are missing or not allowed to fully develop we really never have a chance to realise our full potential.
 |
| Emotional child |
There has been increasing interest by governments and social commentators in the effects of the absent father on the development of those within the remaining family unit.
As a result thousands of studies have since been conducted. These studies have repeatedly uncovered a staggering array of issues inflicted particularly on the children of father absent households.
Interestingly it has been shown that the affects of emotionally unavailable fathers were almost identical to those where the father was physically absent.
The summary of issues listed below, in no way covers every aspect of father absence however it is still a powerful indictment to the current social epidemic.
In reference to the general population individuals raised in a father absent environment demonstrate;
1. 5 times the average suicide rate:
2. Dramatically increased rates of depression and anxiety:
3. 32 times the average rate of incarceration:
4. Decreased education levels and increased drop-out rates:
5. Consistently lower average income levels:
6. Lower job security:
7. Increased rates of divorce and relationship issues:
8. Substantially increased rates of substance abuse: and
9. Increases in social and mental behavioural issues:
Whilst the list above outlines the devastating foundation that father absence sets it does not begin to address the subtle aspect of father absence.
How do you measure a sense of abandonment and betrayal, how do you measure the feeling of not fitting in and of being different.
Father absence in many ways steals our birthright; it takes from us our inherent and natural internal structures. These are the frameworks that we rely on every day in every aspect of our lives, whether it be in our relationships, our level of happiness, our health, our behaviour, our prosperity or level of success.
If these inherent frameworks are missing or not allowed to fully develop we really never have a chance to realise our full potential.
Wednesday 6 April 2016
Marriage and Religion
Inter and intra-faith marriages
Inter-faith marriages, also known as fixed marriages are marriages that involve partners prophesying different religions. In most instances interfaith marriages are viewed as civil marriages but they are at times contracted as religious marriages. This depends on religious prohibitions against the marriage by the religion of one (or both) spouses, based on religious doctrine or tradition.
Interfaith marriage is also distinct from interracial and inter-ethnic marriage (also known as "mixed marriage"), since spouses in an interfaith marriage may share the same race or ethnicity.
In some religions, religious doctrines prohibit interfaith marriages. In others, religious tradition opposes interfaith marriage but may allow it in limited circumstances. Several major religions are mute on the issue, and still others allow it with requirements for ceremony and custom. For ethno-religious groups resistance to interfaith marriage may be a form of self-segregation.
There is also interfaith marriages which involves the union of two individuals of the same faith or religion but from different denominations. An example can be when a Catholic gets married or marries a protestant. This kind of marriages is more common and widely accepted as compared to interfaith marriage since most denominations belonging to one religion usually have similar beliefs and practices. This often makes it less hectic for spouces in this kind of marriage.
Inter-faith marriages, also known as fixed marriages are marriages that involve partners prophesying different religions. In most instances interfaith marriages are viewed as civil marriages but they are at times contracted as religious marriages. This depends on religious prohibitions against the marriage by the religion of one (or both) spouses, based on religious doctrine or tradition.
 |
| A Muslim and a non-Muslim |
Interfaith marriage is also distinct from interracial and inter-ethnic marriage (also known as "mixed marriage"), since spouses in an interfaith marriage may share the same race or ethnicity.
In some religions, religious doctrines prohibit interfaith marriages. In others, religious tradition opposes interfaith marriage but may allow it in limited circumstances. Several major religions are mute on the issue, and still others allow it with requirements for ceremony and custom. For ethno-religious groups resistance to interfaith marriage may be a form of self-segregation.
There is also interfaith marriages which involves the union of two individuals of the same faith or religion but from different denominations. An example can be when a Catholic gets married or marries a protestant. This kind of marriages is more common and widely accepted as compared to interfaith marriage since most denominations belonging to one religion usually have similar beliefs and practices. This often makes it less hectic for spouces in this kind of marriage.
Wednesday 30 March 2016
In-laws and Married Couples
Handling in-laws
Here are some questions that if you have answers to can help you deal with in-laws in a marriage.
What are your expectations?
Often, it is not easy to see what your expectations really are. Clearing your mind and seeing if you’ve built unrealistic expectations is a crucial first step toward bridging your family relationships. Stop fantasizing that your spouse’s family is going to change and be anything more than they are. Take a real look at the people in your wedding album, and let go of how you think things are “supposed” to go.
Do you have a set of boundaries and limits?
Talk to your husband about what your “family values” are going to be. Do you like company stopping by unannounced? Whatever you and your husband feel is the limit, should be applied to all guests (including the in-laws).
Are you empowering your in-laws too much?
Many in-laws give unsolicited advice about child rearing or home maintenance or job hunting strategies or retirement plans. What you have to remember under these circumstances, is that this is just one person’s opinion. Agree to disagree and move on without feeling berated or tortured. You don’t need to change their opinion or internalize their judgments.
How do you handle conflict?
In any family, conflict will often arise at some point. Maybe planning the wedding was stressful enough for the first fights to occur, or maybe you actually made it past the honeymoon phase. Either way, it’s important to deal with disagreements right away and not let them fester over the years, leading to an inevitable explosion. Address problems as soon as possible, and ask for an apology for slights that occur. Don’t hold grudges, and don’t take things personally. Also, communicate directly with your mother-in-law and father-in-law, if you have an issue. Don’t ask your husband or wife to do the talking for you. This is the mature things to do.
Are you thinking of the future?
We meet people in life to learn lessons from, and none more than our family members. They are part of your family tree now, and those roots go down deep, and the branches extend wide. Once we have children, those in-laws become grandparents, with relationships that eclipse our own possibly strained relationships. No matter how dark the hour, remember that they raised the person you fell in love with, so they obviously did something right.
Here are some questions that if you have answers to can help you deal with in-laws in a marriage.
What are your expectations?
Often, it is not easy to see what your expectations really are. Clearing your mind and seeing if you’ve built unrealistic expectations is a crucial first step toward bridging your family relationships. Stop fantasizing that your spouse’s family is going to change and be anything more than they are. Take a real look at the people in your wedding album, and let go of how you think things are “supposed” to go.
Do you have a set of boundaries and limits?
Talk to your husband about what your “family values” are going to be. Do you like company stopping by unannounced? Whatever you and your husband feel is the limit, should be applied to all guests (including the in-laws).
Are you empowering your in-laws too much?
 |
| The female partner empowering her parents too much |
How do you handle conflict?
In any family, conflict will often arise at some point. Maybe planning the wedding was stressful enough for the first fights to occur, or maybe you actually made it past the honeymoon phase. Either way, it’s important to deal with disagreements right away and not let them fester over the years, leading to an inevitable explosion. Address problems as soon as possible, and ask for an apology for slights that occur. Don’t hold grudges, and don’t take things personally. Also, communicate directly with your mother-in-law and father-in-law, if you have an issue. Don’t ask your husband or wife to do the talking for you. This is the mature things to do.
Are you thinking of the future?
We meet people in life to learn lessons from, and none more than our family members. They are part of your family tree now, and those roots go down deep, and the branches extend wide. Once we have children, those in-laws become grandparents, with relationships that eclipse our own possibly strained relationships. No matter how dark the hour, remember that they raised the person you fell in love with, so they obviously did something right.
Rebuilding Broken Trust in a Marriage
Get back that trust.
Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work. It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy. When trust goes, what goes with it are safety, security, respect, love and friendship, replaced by anger, insecurity, anxiety and fear.
Trust can be lost through lies, rage, violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and, most prominently, sexual infidelity.
Once trust has been lost, what can we do to get it back - if anything?
Coming clean does work.
Denial only leads to more distrust, so the truth has to come out along with the willingness to take responsibility for your actions. However, detailed truth can sometimes make the hurt even worse and compound the pain, and therefore the healing process.
Being defensive, righteous or casual about the problem never works.
There must be a sincere effort to work out the issues, or the wall will never come down. The angrier you are, the less you are able to hear what the aggrieved one has to say, and the worse what they feel will get.
Talk about what made you do it.
Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions.If there is loneliness in the marriage, take the initiative to make an appointment with a counselor. Talking about your feelings of alienation is the best way to connect again.
Be an open book.
That means open your cell phone, email, and appointment book for a period of time. This is usually the hardest part, because any person who has lived that underground life of secrecy likes it that way.They feel entitled to privacy, and they become righteous and indignant. At this point, you will need to take a moment and ask yourself what is really important: your relationship or your privacy?
Renew your vows.
Whether married or not, there is a need to discuss values about living life and what that entails. This may be the most important part of the process. Take time to talk about what you want, what got you into this mess, and what needs to happen moving forward. Write it all down and make a ceremony out of it. Invite your friends and family. Tell the world what you are going to do and mean it.
Renewing trust is not just a decision—it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about coming home to yourself and your mate, and making it work. Keeping a relationship clear and open is a valuable process. When we lie, cheat, steal and do bad things to ourselves or others, we pay the ultimate price, and we lose what is most precious to us. If you need help, get it. If you need a change, then make it. Creating trust is a big deal, so treat it that way.
Trust can be lost through lies, rage, violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and, most prominently, sexual infidelity.
Once trust has been lost, what can we do to get it back - if anything?
Coming clean does work.
Denial only leads to more distrust, so the truth has to come out along with the willingness to take responsibility for your actions. However, detailed truth can sometimes make the hurt even worse and compound the pain, and therefore the healing process.
Being defensive, righteous or casual about the problem never works.
There must be a sincere effort to work out the issues, or the wall will never come down. The angrier you are, the less you are able to hear what the aggrieved one has to say, and the worse what they feel will get.
Talk about what made you do it.
Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions.If there is loneliness in the marriage, take the initiative to make an appointment with a counselor. Talking about your feelings of alienation is the best way to connect again.
Be an open book.
 |
| she is doing the contrary |
Renew your vows.
Whether married or not, there is a need to discuss values about living life and what that entails. This may be the most important part of the process. Take time to talk about what you want, what got you into this mess, and what needs to happen moving forward. Write it all down and make a ceremony out of it. Invite your friends and family. Tell the world what you are going to do and mean it.
Renewing trust is not just a decision—it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about coming home to yourself and your mate, and making it work. Keeping a relationship clear and open is a valuable process. When we lie, cheat, steal and do bad things to ourselves or others, we pay the ultimate price, and we lose what is most precious to us. If you need help, get it. If you need a change, then make it. Creating trust is a big deal, so treat it that way.
Tuesday 29 March 2016
Cheating Spouses
Reasons for Cheating in Marriage
1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in their primary relationship.
This is a very common reason amount spouses. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.
2. The Desire for additional sexual encounters
Most individuals have this kind of desires but find it very hard to admit as it appears socially undesirable.
3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.
Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Those who experience the need for emotional closeness in an affair, feel that at some point they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.
4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.
Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward
each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that
both have in their relationship.
5. Falling out of love with your partner.
In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.
6. Falling in love with someone new.
Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor
that leads partners to stray.
7. Your wanting to seek revenge.
In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy.
8. Curiosity and wanting new experiences.
People who cite this reason often feel that they want something new, this motivation goes beyond curiosity and into some type of contestto measure their sexual prowess.
Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for
connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship.
1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in their primary relationship.
2. The Desire for additional sexual encounters
Most individuals have this kind of desires but find it very hard to admit as it appears socially undesirable.
3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.
Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Those who experience the need for emotional closeness in an affair, feel that at some point they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.
4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.
Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward
each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that
both have in their relationship.
5. Falling out of love with your partner.
In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.
6. Falling in love with someone new.
that leads partners to stray.
7. Your wanting to seek revenge.
In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy.
8. Curiosity and wanting new experiences.
People who cite this reason often feel that they want something new, this motivation goes beyond curiosity and into some type of contestto measure their sexual prowess.
Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for
connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship.
Wednesday 23 March 2016
The Roles of Men in Marriage
WHAT IS EXPECTED OF MEN IN MARRIAGE?
1. Be a leaderThe Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage.
"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:3)."
"Head" does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth before Him.
2. Love your wife unconditionally
Ephesians 5:25 reads, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God's gift to you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally, always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and love her. There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need to do both.
3. Serve your wife
According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant.
Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17). One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife's top three needs are right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures.
Money and Relationships
HOW SPOUSES CAN GO ABOUT HANDLING THEIR MONEY ISSUES.
You can't have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money.Let's face it – if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote!
When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don't save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems.
Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear when there are money problems. Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points.
Marriage is a partnership. Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the money and splitting the bills is a bad idea.
As you work on your money together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.
What Should Be the Wife's "Role" in Marriage?
WIFE'S EXPECTATION IN MARRIAGE
Perhaps more than at any other time in history, women today need a clear understanding of how they should relate to their husbands.It's important for us to look clearly at what the Bible says on this subject. And while the Bible doesn't apply our modern word "role" to marriage, the Scriptures are clear about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife.
The confusion in today’s culture about “roles” in marriage compels us to understand what the Bible says about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife.
1. Be a helper to your husband. While all of us are called to be helpers to others, the Bible places a special emphasis on this responsibility for wives. Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn't good for man to be alone, and that He decided to make a "helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us. The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that we women have been given tremendous power for good in our husbands' lives. God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.
2. Respect your husband. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, " … the wife must respect her husband." When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him. It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values.Our husbands have many needs. The macho man who is self-contained, independent, and invulnerable is a myth. One day Dennis gave me a list of what he considered to be some of the primary needs most men have:
3. Love your husband. Titus 2:4 calls for wives "to love their husbands." A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is "unconditional acceptance." In other words, accept your husband just as he is—an imperfect person.
Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. I realize there is a whole lot more to love than sex, but we are looking at how to fulfill God's command to love our husbands. Therefore, we must look at love from their perspective, not just our own.
Surveys show that sex is one of a man's most important needs—if not the most important. When a wife resists intimacy, is uninterested, or is only passively interested, her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self-image, tear at him to the very center of his being, and create isolation.
My husband's sexual needs should be more important and higher on my priority list than menus, housework, projects, activities, and even the children. It does not mean that I should think about sex all day and every day, but it does mean that I find ways to remember my husband and his needs. It means I save some of my energy for him. It keeps me from being selfish and living only for my own needs and wants. Maintaining that focus helps me defeat isolation in our marriage.
4. "Submit" to the leadership of your husband. Just mention the word "submission," and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. This controversial concept has been highly debated and misunderstood.
Some husbands and wives actually believe submission indicates that women are inferior to men in some way. I have known women who think that if they submit they will lose their identity and become "non-persons." Others fear (some with good reason) that submission leads to being used or abused.
Another misconception is that submission means blind obedience on the part of the woman. She can give no input to her husband, question nothing, and only stay obediently barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
What does God have in mind? Here are two passages from Scripture:
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them (Colossians 3:18-19).
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
Wednesday 9 March 2016
Marriage and Career
Tips For Enjoying a Successful Career, Marriage and Family Life
1. Set Your Family and Business Goals
The first step to achieving anything important is to begin by identifying your goals. If you have not already done so, pull out a pad of paper and write down your career, marriage and family goals.
2. Get The Support From Your Spouse
The only way you are going to achieve these goals is with the support of your spouse. Just as it would be unwise to think you can build a successful business without the support of your business partner, you won’t build a successful marriage, family life and career without the support of your spouse.
3. Create Blocks of Time For Work and Family
Delineate blocks of time to spend time with each of the children and together as a family. This one tip has made a HUGE difference in many families.
4. Review Schedule with Family
After you and your spouse have negotiated the blocks of time you will allocate for your career, spend together and be with your children, then review the schedule with your children and get their buy-in. After you have discussed the schedule, establish the boundaries.
5. Make Sure Your Work Time is Respected
During the blocks of time you have allocated to work, you are not to be interrupted unless there is an important reason. Of course, there will be exceptions when either your spouse or kids need to talk to you about something, but you must make those times the exceptions and not the norm.6. Don’t Conduct Business During Family Time
This means not doing ANYTHING work related during family time. Respect and value your family time.
7. Make Your Family Time, Family Time For Everyone
No texts, no emails, no phone calls! This applies to you and your family members. Make your family time a sacred time that is valued by everyone.
8. Be Present
When you are with your family, try to stop thinking about everything going on in your life and focus on your family. Resist the temptation to talk about your work and instead concentrate on topics of interest to your family. Use your time together to ask questions and discuss what is going on in their lives.
9. Dates with Kids
If you have children, often block out times to spend with them on an individual basis. There is no better way to connect with someone than one-to-one. Whether it’s a bike ride, a one night camping trip, playing dolls, a cup of tea or whatever it is they enjoy doing, block out time each week to spend with each of your children.10. Weekly Date With Spouse
This is the number one marriage tip I give to newlyweds.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
Decision Making
THIS OR THAT?
Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Good Parenting
HOW TO BECOME A GOOD PARENT TO YOUR CHILDREN
Kids don’t come with a parenting manual and there’s no course that teaches the necessary skills to become a parent. And parenting requires a multitude of skills. No parent is proficient with all parenting skills all the time. Instead, it is a work in progress.
Depending on your child’s age and behavior, there will likely be times that some skills are easier to use than others. Sharpening those skills over time takes practice. Parenting books, classes and support groups can be excellent resources to help parents sharpen their skills.No matter which of the five main types of discipline a parent uses, there are certain skills that are essential in promoting effective discipline.
1. Recognize Safety Issues
The most effective parents seem to be able to sniff out danger a mile away. They are well versed in internet safety, the latest safety equipment and they recognize a child predator when they see one. They find a balance between overprotecting a child and throwing the child to the wolves. They allow for natural consequences only when it is safe to do so and teach children skills to make healthy decisions.
2. Provide a Positive Example
Parents who say, “Do as I say, not as I do,” often find this isn’t very effective. Parents who yell when they’re angry tend to raise children who yell out of anger. However, parents who model how to handle anger by taking a break, tend to have children who do the same. Modeling appropriate behaviors is an essential parenting skill. Kids are watching all the time and they’ll learn far more from what they see than what they hear.
3. Set Appropriate Limits
It’s essential that parents can set appropriate limits for kids, even when a child protests. Effective parents can tolerate their child being angry with them and they don’t try to be their child’s friend. Instead, they focus on what is in the best interest of the child. Setting appropriate limits means the child has clear rules and the parent uses developmentally appropriate discipline strategies.
4. Enforce Consequences Consistently
Effective parents don’t just threaten consequences, they follow through with them. Consistency in consequences in a vital skill for parents. If a child only receives negative consequence for his behavior half the time, the behavior isn’t likely to stop. It’s essential that kids know the consequences and that they know they can’t count on the consequences being consistent.
5. Choose Battles Wisely
Effective discipline requires that parents are able to recognize whether a battle is worth the fight. Sometimes behaviors just aren’t worth addressing if they are likely to lead to a power struggle. For example, if a six-year-old wants to wear her rain galoshes on a sunny day, allowing her to do so might make more sense than trying to convince her why her sneakers are a better choice if it will likely lead to a major meltdown.6. Manage Stress Effectively
Parents who manage their stress effectively have much more success when disciplining a child. Stressed out parents are more likely to yell or be inconsistent with discipline. They are also more likely to use punishment rather than discipline. And when a parent is stressed out, it can lead to more behavioral problems from a child, which leads to more stress on the parent. Healthy stress management includes self-care and having support from friends and family.
7. Provide Positive Attention
Finding time to give kids daily positive attention can make a big difference in the child’s life. It makes all other discipline strategies much more effective. Finding time and energy to devote individual attention to each child can be difficult sometimes, especially for single parents or parents with multiple children.
8. Establish Clear Expectations
When kids don’t understand what is expected of them, it can be impossible for them to meet a parent’s expectations. The most effective parents are able to clearly tell kids what the expectations are in a way that a child can understand. An effective parent just doesn’t tell her ten-year-old to clean his room. Instead, she describes what a clean room looks like by saying, “Pick your clothes up off the floor, make your bed and vacuum the rug.”
Wednesday 24 February 2016
Divorce
Divorce introduces a massive change into the life of a boy or girl no matter what the age. Witnessing loss of love between parents, having parents break their marriage commitment, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one parent while living with the other, all create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live. In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.
Somewhat different responses to this painful turn of events occur if the boy or girl is still in childhood or has entered adolescence. Basically, divorce tends to intensify the child's dependence and it tends to accelerate the adolescent's independence; it often elicits a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent. Consider why this variation may be so.
The child's world is a dependent one, closely connected to parents who are favored companions, heavily reliant on parental care, with family the major locus of one's social life. The adolescent world is a more independent one, more separated and distant from parents, more self-sufficient, where friends have become favored companions, and where the major locus of one's social life now extends outside of family into a larger world of life experience.
For the young child, divorce shakes trust in dependency on parents who now behave in an extremely undependable way. They surgically divide the family unit into two different households between which the child must learn to transit back and forth, for a while creating unfamiliarity, instability, and insecurity, never being able to be with one parent without having to be apart from the other.
Convincing a young child of the permanence of divorce can be hard when his intense longing fantasizes that somehow, some way, mom and dad will be living back together again someday. He relies on wishful thinking to help allay the pain of loss, holding onto hope for a parental reunion much longer than does the adolescent who is quicker to accept the finality of this unwelcome family change. Thus parents who put in a joint presence at special family celebrations and holiday events to recreate family closeness for the child only feed the child's fantasy and delay his adjustment.
The dependent child's short term reaction to divorce can be an anxious one. So much is different, new, unpredictable, and unknown that life becomes filled with scary questions? "What is going to happen to next?" "Who will take care of me?" "If my parents can lose for each other, can they lose love for me?" "With one parent moving out, what if I lose the other too?" Answering such worry questions with worst fears, the child's response can be regressive.
By reverting to a former way of functioning, more parental care-taking may be forthcoming. There can be separation anxieties, crying at bed times, breaking toilet training, bed-wetting, clinging, whining, tantrums, and temporary loss of established self-care skills, all of which can compel parental attention.
The child wants to feel more connected in a family situation where a major disconnection has occurred. Regression to earlier dependency can partly be an effort to elicit parental concern, bringing them close when divorce has pulled each of them further away - the resident parent now busier and more preoccupied, the absent parent simply less available because of being less around.
The more independent-minded adolescent tends to deal more aggressively to divorce, often reacting in a mad, rebellious way, more resolved to disregard family discipline and take care of himself since parents have failed to keep commitments to family that were originally made.
Where the child may have tried to get parents back, the adolescent may try to get back at parents. Where the child felt grief, the adolescence has a grievance. "If they can't be trusted to stay together and take care of the family, then I need to start relying more on myself." "If they can break their marriage and put themselves first, then I can put myself first too." "If they don't mind hurting me, then I can I don't mind hurting them."
Now the adolescent can act aggressively to take control of his life by behaving even more distantly and defiantly, more determined to live his life his way, more dedicated to his self-interest than before. He feels increasingly autonomous in a family situation that feels disconnected. He now feels more impelled and entitled to act on his own.
For the parent who divorces with an adolescent, the young person's increased dedication to self-interest must be harnessed by insisting on increased responsibility as more separation and independence from family occurs.
For the parent who divorces with a child, the priority is establishing a sense of family order and predictability. This means observing the three R's required to restore a child's trust in security, familiarity, and dependency - Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance.
Thus parents establish household and visitation Routines so the child knows what to expect. They allow the child to create Rituals to feel more in control of her life. And they provide continual Reassurance that the parents are as lovingly connected to the child as ever, and are committed to the making this new family arrangement work.
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Divorce and children
WHAT NEXT FOR CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE?
Somewhat different responses to this painful turn of events occur if the boy or girl is still in childhood or has entered adolescence. Basically, divorce tends to intensify the child's dependence and it tends to accelerate the adolescent's independence; it often elicits a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent. Consider why this variation may be so.
The child's world is a dependent one, closely connected to parents who are favored companions, heavily reliant on parental care, with family the major locus of one's social life. The adolescent world is a more independent one, more separated and distant from parents, more self-sufficient, where friends have become favored companions, and where the major locus of one's social life now extends outside of family into a larger world of life experience.
For the young child, divorce shakes trust in dependency on parents who now behave in an extremely undependable way. They surgically divide the family unit into two different households between which the child must learn to transit back and forth, for a while creating unfamiliarity, instability, and insecurity, never being able to be with one parent without having to be apart from the other.
Convincing a young child of the permanence of divorce can be hard when his intense longing fantasizes that somehow, some way, mom and dad will be living back together again someday. He relies on wishful thinking to help allay the pain of loss, holding onto hope for a parental reunion much longer than does the adolescent who is quicker to accept the finality of this unwelcome family change. Thus parents who put in a joint presence at special family celebrations and holiday events to recreate family closeness for the child only feed the child's fantasy and delay his adjustment.
The dependent child's short term reaction to divorce can be an anxious one. So much is different, new, unpredictable, and unknown that life becomes filled with scary questions? "What is going to happen to next?" "Who will take care of me?" "If my parents can lose for each other, can they lose love for me?" "With one parent moving out, what if I lose the other too?" Answering such worry questions with worst fears, the child's response can be regressive.
By reverting to a former way of functioning, more parental care-taking may be forthcoming. There can be separation anxieties, crying at bed times, breaking toilet training, bed-wetting, clinging, whining, tantrums, and temporary loss of established self-care skills, all of which can compel parental attention.
The child wants to feel more connected in a family situation where a major disconnection has occurred. Regression to earlier dependency can partly be an effort to elicit parental concern, bringing them close when divorce has pulled each of them further away - the resident parent now busier and more preoccupied, the absent parent simply less available because of being less around.
The more independent-minded adolescent tends to deal more aggressively to divorce, often reacting in a mad, rebellious way, more resolved to disregard family discipline and take care of himself since parents have failed to keep commitments to family that were originally made.
Where the child may have tried to get parents back, the adolescent may try to get back at parents. Where the child felt grief, the adolescence has a grievance. "If they can't be trusted to stay together and take care of the family, then I need to start relying more on myself." "If they can break their marriage and put themselves first, then I can put myself first too." "If they don't mind hurting me, then I can I don't mind hurting them."
Now the adolescent can act aggressively to take control of his life by behaving even more distantly and defiantly, more determined to live his life his way, more dedicated to his self-interest than before. He feels increasingly autonomous in a family situation that feels disconnected. He now feels more impelled and entitled to act on his own.
For the parent who divorces with an adolescent, the young person's increased dedication to self-interest must be harnessed by insisting on increased responsibility as more separation and independence from family occurs.
For the parent who divorces with a child, the priority is establishing a sense of family order and predictability. This means observing the three R's required to restore a child's trust in security, familiarity, and dependency - Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance.
Thus parents establish household and visitation Routines so the child knows what to expect. They allow the child to create Rituals to feel more in control of her life. And they provide continual Reassurance that the parents are as lovingly connected to the child as ever, and are committed to the making this new family arrangement work.
Pillars of marriage
But did you ever consider that there are different kinds of trust and we need all 4 of them to make our relationship work?
This great article on Your Tango talks about the different kinds of trust your marriage needs and was the inspiration for this week’s post.
Even though we are all familiar with wedding vows, to love honor and cherish, there are promises that we might never say out loud that are the foundation for a marriage to last and, more importantly, be happy.
Safety, Faithfulness, Commitment and Reliability are 4 pillars of trust every marriage needs. If any one of these is missing, the roof starts caving in and the relationship starts to deteriorate.
Here is why they are so important:
Safety
Marriages thrive when both partners feel safe and secure.
You have to trust that your partner isn’t going to hurt you, to be able to reach out to them when you need help, to be vulnerableand share your life with them as well as your hopes and dreams.
Whether it’s physical or verbal – any kind of rejection chips away at trust.
One form of rejection that you may not be aware of, is the all too common “nagging.” If you nag, you are saying, “I don’t trust you will do your part.”
A loving reminder is okay. “Nagging” is a sign that there is a trust issue that hasn’t been addressed and a deeper conversation is called for. The next time you hear it or feel tempted to do it – pause and ask, “What is really needed here?”
That goes two ways – we also have to keep our commitments once we make them. More on reliability later in this post.
Faithfulness
Another kind of trust that marriages need is faithfulness. That goes without saying right?
Without sexual fidelity we just can’t develop any of the other types of trust.
Physical fidelity and emotional fidelity go hand in hand, so sharing your secrets with your spouse is actually a way to build emotional faithfulness in your marriage.
Marriage researcher John Gottman says, “Trust is built in very small moments in which one person turns toward their partner when they’re in need. When our partner responds positively, by “being there” for us, that builds trust.”
Once we are “there” for each other over and over again, we can also begin to trust each other in the face of anger or upset.
Going back to that feeling of safety – we all want to know that person will be there even when something is going wrong.
Having a ground rule that says, “its okay to be angry, I am not going anywhere,” is a very important building block to trust and like emotional cement in your relationship.
Commitment
It’s also critical that both partners declare their marriage as a top priority both in spending time together and in carrying out the commitments of daily life.
First, by investing time in your relationship, that shows the other person they matter to you. You are putting them above other things. It also helps build trust because you are creating evidence that you are reliable, that you can be counted on and trusted. The ability to rely on each other as a team is essential to sustain trust over time.
Reliability
As you can see, each pillar builds and supports the other. Reliability is the glue that holds all the pillars together as – trusting you will do what you say you will do is essential for safety, faithfulness and commitment.
Knowing the ingredients of what creates trust can also help you see if there is an area in your marriage where you are not feeling or expressing trust. This way you can re-build that pillar before it breaks down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)